Fall Goals

This fall I am feeling a sense of nostalgia mixed with urgency and denial. Nostalgia for the days of after work bike rides, sitting on my sunny porch, and getting my fingers dirty in the garden. An urgency to make the most of the last days with temperatures above freezing and sunlight past 5pm. Denial that another fall has come to pass and I feel none the wiser, like I have not grown since last year. 

Via Hiking Photography

As I watch the sun slowly cast an enchanting glow over the city as it falls behind the horizon, I can't help be feel a pang of sadness. An ache in my heart even the best ski videos cannot remedy. I envy those who love this season for all of its golden glory without a sense of foreshadowing.

This fall is definitely better than the August Angst I felt last year. In part because I got out and did a lot this summer. My summer goals focused my attention and allowed me to experience so many wonderful things! But also because I am trying to own it. Own these feelings of nostalgia and sadness and sit in them. Understand a bit of where they are coming from and try to be ok. Recognizing what works for me, what are healthy responses to these feelings. 

But it's easy to allow these feelings to pass without much thought. Soon it will be holiday season, and these feelings that swirl around will be swept away with the fall leaves. So I have decided to try three things to help me focus and try and catch some leaves while they are still in the air. 

1. Reflect - This means slowing down, allowing myself to just be, be alone, be with my feelings, be in the moment. Be alone without being lonely, feel without dwelling, be in the moment without planning for the next moment. To have faith that spending alone with my feelings will not result in a negative spiral out of control. That it will bring me closer to the person I want to be. 
2. Conquer Long-Standing To-Dos - This may seem like a simple task that doesn't deserve a spot on this list, but most of my to-dos remain undone because of my fear of failure. They are difficult tasks with no obvious solution, or method to execute. Thinking about them creates a sense of disappointment and pulls at the strings that are keeping my self-confidence blanket together. Before I unravel, I want to face them head on, and try my hardest to solve them. To look the fear of failure in the eye and at least try. To really believe that the only failure is to not try. The top three that nag at me are:
1. Complete my night side tables - One is half built, the other one remains under my couch, in pieces. Where it has been for 1.5 years. I ran into a problem that the copper pipes did not withstand the weight of my side table top. I've found a solution. I am just not sure it will work, or I will implement it correctly.



Ideal final product

2. Install my wood stove - I have owned the wood stove for over 6 months. It is clearly the season to install it (impending winter). I want to cozy up in front of a fire more than anything. But playing with fire is scary. Installation requires a lot of decisions. The method on how to install is ambiguous and likely very time consuming. I struggle with ambiguity and I don't have all the time in the world. 
3. Fix my sink and drawer - They work, but poorly. They bother me. Every time I think about them, I cringe. I worry about them, I am embarrassed. They aren't hard fixes, but they are wreaking havoc on my mind.  
3. Clean Out my House – This includes the basement, my computers, my mind and my soul. A clean house = a clean mind? Not only is this task something that I have been putting off, but it is also something that bothers me every.single.day. I discussed how organizing makes me happy almost a year ago! Having unaddressed clutter conflicts with my wholehearted desire to live streamlined. I have a theory that a streamlined life is a free life - one that allows me to do the things I love without the distractions or time consumption of stuff. Right now, my life is not even close. I pack it all away in the basement, hoping that out of sight equals out of mind. But that is never the case. The cobwebs that are collecting on my piles in my basement are also collecting in the baggage in my mind and soul. I need to physically and mentally / emotionally clear out and find what works for me.

Not a bad time to lay back and relax.