But this year, my resolution is to have less goals. Whoa. 180 degrees.
I want to spend more time with myself. Not time accomplishing goals, or working towards something. Just time to figure out on my own. Just typing this makes me nervous. I do not like spending time by myself. Maybe it is because I'm an only child and have spent so much time by myself, or maybe because I don't like myself...
Instead of being alone, I make a million plans, never say no to an invite, over commit and spend any alone time getting ready for the next time I will spend with other people.
I am constantly driving forward.
But I'm worried that in my forward drive, I have left me behind. Me without accomplishments, without to do lists, without activities planned. I have previously said "A person is only the sum of their actions". And I honestly still believe this. So in that case, why not attempt to fit in as much as possible to be a better person? More actions to sum = better person, no?
But it has hit me, that more actions is a difficult treadmill to be on. An exhausting treadmill, constantly trying to line up items in the future in order to not be alone in the present. The alternative for me is daunting. Stillness. No plans. Being alone. Thinking about this makes me feel very sad, lonely, hopeless, like I am wasting my life as a mere passenger on this shitty train to nowhere. (Dramatic I know, but that is honestly the way I feel.) It makes the exhausting treadmill looks rather appealing.
But what causes me to feel this way? Why does a wide open future fill me with so much worry? I'm not completely sure why. But I know I must address these feelings. Sit with them so that I can unravel their meaning and address what it is that is causing them.
I have a pretty good guess that it has to do with my relationship with myself. My natural instinct will be to be self-critical. Seeing where I'm not measuring up to both my standards or society's standards. Feeling the shame of not meeting those standards, for not acting in line with what I believe to be my morals / values / goals. But slowly, through tenderness, nurturing positivity, and time I hope to build a relationship with myself that I can feel comfortable in.
It look the loss of an important relationship for me to realize that the most important relationship should be with myself - and I when examining my relationship with myself - it's not positive / healthy / supportive. I will make soup for someone who is sick, make nutrient rich freezer meals for my friend who's a new mom, spend hours finding the best gift for a loved one, but never do those things for myself. I never feel like I'm worth it.
So 2017 will be all about treating myself the same way I treat my friends and family. And making an effort to spend time with myself. To take Me Time.